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Moods Of P

A walk through my words

Month

December 2011

Break Up

“I’m not saying that I don’t love you coz baby I love you so much,” she began. “I just need to grow, find out what life is.” She looked into his eyes and placed a hand over his. “Please try to understand that I just can’t go on the way that we are.” She paused as she saw the unshed tears in his eyes. Her heart twisted as guilt began to creep into her mind like a heavy fog. Her next sentence was caught in her throat. Looking behind him for strength she cut off his sentence. “I know what you are about to say and I can’t. Not anymore. I’ve felt like this over 5 times in the last seven months.” She took a deep breath as her voice threatened to rise and the resentment at his inability to see her pain mounted.  This is why it had to end. She was always bending to accommodate his needs. She was bent beyond recognition and needed to stretch.

“I don’t want to keep hurting. I love you.” She saw him shake his head.  “I do, it would be very relieving and much easier if I didn’t. Every time I try it gets harder.” The tears that he blinked away rolled down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry I had to do it this way but I have to make a clean break. I have to let go.”

The pain in his expression echoed the pain she felt in her heart. It burned deeper and hotter the more she looked at him, she looked away, “I’m sorry to hurt you this way and for being a coward before. I won’t change my mind again. I can’t. Please for the both of us, please, don’t make me change.” She turned to leave.

“Why? Just tell me why after more than a year.” His voice was clear, deepened by a raw emotion she couldn’t name. His face was like the sky just before a storm was about to break, darkening with every passing second. His hand clenched and unclenched. She had the urge to take a step back but held her ground.

Why? She couldn’t think of a single reason as she looked into the tear-filled brown eyes. She forgot the insecurities, the heart ache, and the frustration. Not a single instance could she bring to word.

“For reasons I’ll remember tomorrow.” She barely whispered as her throat threatened to close. She swallowed and yet, it still felt dry and tight.

He laughed bitterly. “Dat’s bullshit and we both know it. Give me something better, something I can believe.”

“Nothing I could ever say would be good enough for you. Besides it would probably be wrong grammatically anyway so why should I bother?” She smiled sadly thinking of the last time he shamed her for stating something wrongly. Her syntax had been wrong and he’d pounded into her verbally for being a verbal slob. “Good bye ba’e. I hope we meet again; resolved, without tension, anger, fear or guilt.”

She walked away promising herself she wouldn’t look back, ever. With every step a new-found freedom seemed to lighten the burden on her shoulders. Each step took her further away from him, towards the unknown.

Now that she had done it she felt so empty, so alone. Who would make her laugh when no one else could? Who would fight the demons that pursued her relentlessly reminding her of past sins?

As the sun broke free from the clouds that she hadn’t realized were there; the answer came. Who else but Him, Ruler of all, Father, Friend?

 

Image credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2188

On reflection

On reflection, it’s always me in one form or another isn’t it?

I’m always innocent, I’m always the victim.

Do I ever commit a sin without help, without influence or is it merely a case of I’ve wanted to so since you say so let’s do it?

I really wish I knew the answer to that one.

Imagine all the grief I give and complain about wiped out of existence by truly unique stroke of genius. I begin to wonder if I haven’t been trying to tell myself this all along.

Irony? Probably.

And yet the question remains how can I and will I be able to do it? Or will I need help again before I follow my intuition?

Am I, upon reflection a lost cause?

Burden of a Good Girl

Of a new persuasion is what I’d like to be.

Can you see the new me? I’ll change my dress, walk and talk so that I don’t look or sound like me but I’ll be me alright.

The new me will have life, charisma, ever joyful, cheerful, grateful, thoughtful, correct, never dull, mindful of others’ opinions of outer self; never grumbling, unhappy, or overly-sad, emotional, boastful, deceitful.

Nope, you’ll never see the real me or how I really feel or what I truly think because that’s not what you want is it? It’s not what you need. You need a good friend, a good daughter, a good student, a good curator, a good prefect, a good child, a good person constantly. Now  then, today tomorrow, forever.

None of you can see it takes a lot of energy to be good for/to everyone. None of you can tell I need to be human too. Sometimes I need to rebuild my energy, sometimes I need to use some of it for me.

20/11/2001

Image credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1819

New Light

It’s been days and months since I last saw you and I find myself wondering: do you ever think about me?

I keep wondering what I did to make you not tell me the truth.

I wonder why it is a love like that would change so soon.

Does it ever cross your mind that you could have cut a wound so deep that I feel no pain?

Why is it that now you remember that I have a name? Why do you now try to heal the pain?

You left me to nurse my wounds on my own and I was doing well basking in a new light. Your shadow hovers near my source of light.

I don’t want to feel cold; your light can be seen shining on the pink rose but I can no longer feel its worth and find comfort there.

your light can be seen shining on the pink rose

Leave me to reconstruct the pieces of the puzzle that fell apart when we drew apart.

The puzzle stretched and the loose pieces fell out. The old ones don’t fit anymore.

I kept putting them back and they looked like they fit but the picture wasn’t the same.

Then my eye caught on a ray of sunshine that shed a new, warm light, it felt just right like the first morning rays after a cold winter night. My soul responded like a flower in bud releasing its hold

image credits: Image 1: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1824

image 2: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1256

See me

Hello, Good bye, I just feel like I want to cry.

My mind’s so empty of those words you need to hear me say.

My heart lays ripped open on the floor; you pick it up and cast it away. It’s bleeding, you’re laughing, I’m crying.

Can’t you see me? Don’t you know it’s real?  Can’t you feel me? Read between the lines. See me for who I am, trust me for what I say do shows you that it’s real.

Trust in me! Show me that you care, show that you know me; know me for who I am coz maybe if you don’t know me baby then we’s got to end. Coz I can’t keep loving somebody who don’t love me enough to see who I am to feel me.

Can’t you see you make me cry can’t you see that I am too? You ignore me, I try to be cool, I wait for you to get over it. You remember me; I embrace it knowing soon it’ll be back to the days of old. Can you see my tears, can you?

Can you see it’s hurting me inside to see you don’t really love me? I can accept the truth, can you? I keep my cool, will you? I can love you till the moon turns blue but will you see?

Me

19/11/2001

photo credits:

image 1 http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=659

image 2: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1961

My warped reality

Changing scenes, new revelations.

What does it all mean?

Am I to be constantly subjected to the terrors of my mind left to wallow in shallow grief or will I grow? Can I grow into something more profound, wise intelligent?

Or is it my curse to keep going in the same circles faster and faster in the hopes that the momentum will propel me into the great sphere of things new, challenging, hopeful, good?

Perhaps none were meant to be.

Perhaps none of it is meant to be taken as seriously as I take it.

Is it wise to propose a change in the circle of convention or am I merely in the wrong dimension?

Could it be that while I observe things I do not truly see?

Am I blinded to the truths by my hopes and dreams of fairy princesses and princes and happily ever after?

It seems so.

Perhaps time will tell, perhaps I will change, maybe I will grow, just maybe I can become all that you need.

20/11/2001

Image source: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1556″>Image: nuttakit / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

 

It was real

I hear the clatter of broken promises as they shatter and fall to the floor.

I hear the bonds of trust break as I see the hearts they held together bleed.

Tell me, was it ever meant to be?

Feel the tears running down silently and tell me was it, is it worth it?

Hold close the pain, my one, I do.

Wave it all back to reality

Feel the joy it used to be and tell me it was real.

Image courtesy of: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=879″>Image: luigi diamanti / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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