“I’m not saying that I don’t love you coz baby I love you so much,” she began. “I just need to grow, find out what life is.” She looked into his eyes and placed a hand over his. “Please try to understand that I just can’t go on the way that we are.” She paused as she saw the unshed tears in his eyes. Her heart twisted as guilt began to creep into her mind like a heavy fog. Her next sentence was caught in her throat. Looking behind him for strength she cut off his sentence. “I know what you are about to say and I can’t. Not anymore. I’ve felt like this over 5 times in the last seven months.” She took a deep breath as her voice threatened to rise and the resentment at his inability to see her pain mounted.  This is why it had to end. She was always bending to accommodate his needs. She was bent beyond recognition and needed to stretch.

“I don’t want to keep hurting. I love you.” She saw him shake his head.  “I do, it would be very relieving and much easier if I didn’t. Every time I try it gets harder.” The tears that he blinked away rolled down her cheeks. “I’m so sorry I had to do it this way but I have to make a clean break. I have to let go.”

The pain in his expression echoed the pain she felt in her heart. It burned deeper and hotter the more she looked at him, she looked away, “I’m sorry to hurt you this way and for being a coward before. I won’t change my mind again. I can’t. Please for the both of us, please, don’t make me change.” She turned to leave.

“Why? Just tell me why after more than a year.” His voice was clear, deepened by a raw emotion she couldn’t name. His face was like the sky just before a storm was about to break, darkening with every passing second. His hand clenched and unclenched. She had the urge to take a step back but held her ground.

Why? She couldn’t think of a single reason as she looked into the tear-filled brown eyes. She forgot the insecurities, the heart ache, and the frustration. Not a single instance could she bring to word.

“For reasons I’ll remember tomorrow.” She barely whispered as her throat threatened to close. She swallowed and yet, it still felt dry and tight.

He laughed bitterly. “Dat’s bullshit and we both know it. Give me something better, something I can believe.”

“Nothing I could ever say would be good enough for you. Besides it would probably be wrong grammatically anyway so why should I bother?” She smiled sadly thinking of the last time he shamed her for stating something wrongly. Her syntax had been wrong and he’d pounded into her verbally for being a verbal slob. “Good bye ba’e. I hope we meet again; resolved, without tension, anger, fear or guilt.”

She walked away promising herself she wouldn’t look back, ever. With every step a new-found freedom seemed to lighten the burden on her shoulders. Each step took her further away from him, towards the unknown.

Now that she had done it she felt so empty, so alone. Who would make her laugh when no one else could? Who would fight the demons that pursued her relentlessly reminding her of past sins?

As the sun broke free from the clouds that she hadn’t realized were there; the answer came. Who else but Him, Ruler of all, Father, Friend?

 

Image credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2188

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