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Moods Of P

A walk through my words

Month

May 2014

Wrong Time

My stomach cramps &
a pain like no other both hot & cold seizes my back.
Nausea grips me as a fever flushes my face &
I see my vision threaten to go black.

Fear grips me as the pains intensify.
Panic sets in as tears well in my eyes,
blood trickles out of me and my face
suddenly cools as nausea dictates a new pace.

The life within me is not yet due.
I clutch my belly praying for a false alarm.
My brain tries with all its might to instil calm.
Oh God, this can’t be true, my baby’s not yet due!

My hand reaches for my phone as
I ponder who yet is at home.
I call my lover & his phone just rings.
I try again only to hear a fat lady sing.

My fear says pray & call your mother, I dial and her calm tones, release pain’s grip.
The pain & blood increase & I feel my consciousness slip.
The thought of sleep welcomes me for a while.
Then I think of the fruit of my womb & I remember it is much too soon.
I clutch my belly writhing in pain, hoping, praying
I call my lover & hear the same lady and tune
The thought of losing my little one spurs a torrent of biblical sayings.

I feel the need to push &
I wonder if I could’ve coped in the bush
This is completely the wrong time
& yet I seek the power to draw my own line
completely fade without a sign.

I awaken to white walls, antiseptic smells & doctor calls.
I see the flowers & the cards & my hope glimmers like shards of broken glass.
I reach for my phone; I need to call him & him alone. As it rings and fruitless banter ensues I wonder how I could ever think that I could do it alone.

Tears well in my eyes.
I swallow my pride after all the baby did come as a surprise.
Grief swallows me whole as my despair towards a pole
North or south it is pointless which route as the sobs are pulled out of my mouth.
When at last the last tear has died & the ache deep within my heart has finally subsided I reach within my reserves as I kiss the wind and wish my baby the better life it would have if he’d just remained frozen & untampered.

On a whim, I search for my lover, friend & find him absent.
On my knees I search for my Father, Friend & find him waiting & ever-present.
I whisper fervent prayers & excuses why I haven’t always been there.

Peace settles in my soul & once again I feel whole.
Enter my lover, friend who would come to me again.
This time as love I restrain from being party to this dance again.
As my tears in memory of our loss well I wonder if my lover I will ever tell
of a wrong time, a child, mine, lost at the wrong time.
25/12/2011

 

Watch it

Lemme shake ma hair
show you that I really don’t care
Lemme move my hips
make you wish you kissed deez lips

My rhythm is slow and y’all
think that I don’t know
Y’all can’t sip your tea
without talking about me

This time I’m on fire & y’all
know like the phoenix I don’t tire
Easy does it, bet y’all
hoping that I flub it

Bring you easy rhymes while
I wax lyrical
I can change my tempo
but y’all just cynical
So I keep it flowin and
leave y’all knowin

that the cat is back
in this space & you best watch it
16/11/2011

Want but don’t need

“Miss Independent”
That’s how Ne-yo sings it.
Baby understand
that I want you as my man

I don’t need you,
for the sun to rise
I don’t need you,
to open my eyes

When I wake up, I wonder what would happen
if you were actually here
When things go bump at night,
I tell myself there’s nothing to fear

I don’t need you
to make the blue skies
I don’t need you
after my tears dry

“She’s got her own”
That’s Ne-yo’s song
Baby know that I don’t need your money,
just be funny.

I don’t need you
for me to watch the sunrise
I don’t need you and if you ain’t what I want
I can and will say good-bye.

16/11/2011

Shadow Games

We play Shadow Games
he & I
Shooting Cupid’s arrows
sky-high

First shots were double bull’s eyes
Society’s thoughts the fortified, electric fence
we had to cross.
Happiness waited patiently on the other end

Days became a decade
& we woke up to find society’s standards
had changed.
In fact we’d become exactly who Society had said
we needed to be.

Time came & went
& just when I thought all my chips were spent I
found myself smiling at something he said
Days later my knees were weakened

By his words
As I cling to walls to break
lustful falls
I wonder how I could’ve been so wrong

Butterflies play in my stomach
His written words play havoc with my senses
Memories of close moments
have me catching hints of his fragrance

I turn to embrace him
My arms connect with air
Just as quickly as I thought
he was there

I realise I’m chasing his shadow
My footsteps soon take me to his
grave
Wave after wave of regret
of a love lost after we’d met

22/07/2013

Owned

At one point I was owned.
He had me & could direct my actions
I knew he would lead me to better, always
I had freedom to be
I had all I wanted as well as little things that made me happy

He knew that every inch inside & out
was his if he desired it
He knew that if he bid it
my action was as he wanted, no doubt

We occupied the same space
We were one in two bodies
Every part of him I could see
Every part of him I was willing to be

I was owned once
I was he & he was me
Our thoughts were one
I saw what he saw & he knew what I knew

I owned once
I had more than I could imagine
even when all I had was me
I could create with, for, to, just

I yearn to return to the state
My pictures are defiled &
my mind in tatters
I yield to my current fate

I owned once
there was no separation
we were just me
& I was totally & completely free

11/08/2013

Loved

I tried loving once
it didn’t quite work.
I gave it all away
only to learn that doesn’t work

I gave the best of me
heart, soul
I discovered that it wasn’t enough
it was too old.

I gave my 2nd best
and it was enough
I just couldn’t carry
on with the bluff

I gave my 3rd best
and it was just right.
In the end I fled
because the lie was not right.

Then I tried everything
in between…
time wasted, fun had
lessons learned.

Then I was loved
from the beginning
to the near end.
Creation on spheres
I had forgotten…

It was too good to be true
and fear gripped me
The intensity was right
My flame burnt blue
I had everything I wanted in sight
The only problem was me

I couldn’t be me
Not entirely
What if love knew
What I could truly do?
What if love could see
The real me?

Would love stay?
When my true colours came to play
What would love do in plain sight of my ugly?
Would it still want to hug me?

I did as cowards do
I cowered in a cave and
Recreated sin in the place of peace
And yet love stayed true
And remained within reach

That was when I became falsely brave
and destroyed everything
My lies tore the place of peace apart
Love could no longer rave
On about the now demolished heart

14/04/2014

Not helping

I find myself looking over the cliff’s edge
Standing looking down makes me feel dizzy
Far below is something but my eyes don’t see
Right now, tears make vision blurry.

I wish I had a solution
Only one thing causes my apathy.
I don’t feel like I am needed
So is this where I should be?

I try to find a corner where I can chip in
The Titans have already come in & saved the day
I seek a lonely face that has a tale to tell
Found, I get told I have better things to do

I came with purpose
Somehow I lost that along the way
I knew that here I’d be needed
And yet, here I’m failing to stay.

I can’t hold this position
I was never where I’d hoped to be anyway
Here I came to help
Yet everything I’m doing is not helping

23/07/2013

Love: Quit, leave stop

My mind’s in a tumble,
thot things was s’posed to be simple
Listening to the classics, love ‘em just the way they are
See my dimple
Here & now I promise
What am I trying to say
that I-?
Suppose that it’s just a CD anyway
Time to go. Quit, leave stop
Circa June 2005

Joy

I remember clearly the day I created
Joy
It was pure, it was light yet permeating
It was delightfully infectious

My favourite part was that it could be shared
I created Joy once
it flowed unending
it was happy beyond fun

Joy was transferable,
contagious, free
spontaneous, the best of me.

Joy was my last perfect creation
The last vestiges of a broken soul
drawing out the last good
wearing aesthetics into every wave
beauty in simplicity

It was my last gift to
everyone
A last attempt to give
with no consideration

I remember creating joy
the last breath wracking
my body as I waited,
for the world to accept joy

As I faded from existence
joy caressed my cheek
bringing back hope & resolve

My gift had come back
to me.
Untainted, unharmed, stronger
My gift to the world gave me peace
14/08/2013

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