My stomach cramps &
a pain like no other both hot & cold seizes my back.
Nausea grips me as a fever flushes my face &
I see my vision threaten to go black.

Fear grips me as the pains intensify.
Panic sets in as tears well in my eyes,
blood trickles out of me and my face
suddenly cools as nausea dictates a new pace.

The life within me is not yet due.
I clutch my belly praying for a false alarm.
My brain tries with all its might to instil calm.
Oh God, this can’t be true, my baby’s not yet due!

My hand reaches for my phone as
I ponder who yet is at home.
I call my lover & his phone just rings.
I try again only to hear a fat lady sing.

My fear says pray & call your mother, I dial and her calm tones, release pain’s grip.
The pain & blood increase & I feel my consciousness slip.
The thought of sleep welcomes me for a while.
Then I think of the fruit of my womb & I remember it is much too soon.
I clutch my belly writhing in pain, hoping, praying
I call my lover & hear the same lady and tune
The thought of losing my little one spurs a torrent of biblical sayings.

I feel the need to push &
I wonder if I could’ve coped in the bush
This is completely the wrong time
& yet I seek the power to draw my own line
completely fade without a sign.

I awaken to white walls, antiseptic smells & doctor calls.
I see the flowers & the cards & my hope glimmers like shards of broken glass.
I reach for my phone; I need to call him & him alone. As it rings and fruitless banter ensues I wonder how I could ever think that I could do it alone.

Tears well in my eyes.
I swallow my pride after all the baby did come as a surprise.
Grief swallows me whole as my despair towards a pole
North or south it is pointless which route as the sobs are pulled out of my mouth.
When at last the last tear has died & the ache deep within my heart has finally subsided I reach within my reserves as I kiss the wind and wish my baby the better life it would have if he’d just remained frozen & untampered.

On a whim, I search for my lover, friend & find him absent.
On my knees I search for my Father, Friend & find him waiting & ever-present.
I whisper fervent prayers & excuses why I haven’t always been there.

Peace settles in my soul & once again I feel whole.
Enter my lover, friend who would come to me again.
This time as love I restrain from being party to this dance again.
As my tears in memory of our loss well I wonder if my lover I will ever tell
of a wrong time, a child, mine, lost at the wrong time.
25/12/2011

 

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