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Moods Of P

A walk through my words

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Monologue

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Somehow in the torrent of the words that his presence evoked she found the words that unlocked the man he’d always wanted to be.
As he gingerly stepped out and away from the shackles that had had him bound year after year her next words coaxed the precious first steps to freedom.
Her heart sang to see him unbound. With a smile she hid her fears.
Gently she walked with him until he was able to run.
In, out, around she coached him. Suddenly he realized he was flying and she was right with him.
To dizzying heights he ascended til at last somewhere up high he looked back for her.
A speck in the distance he called to her.
Her weak response was laced with pain.
His mind went back to their early days and he recalled she’d always had broken wings.
Swooping down with alarming speed he raced towards the ground.
There he found her in a free fall just before the rocky ground.
He swooped under her and carried her away.
On a nest of firm branches covered in cotton and heather he laid her gently down.
Her breathing ragged and distressed he tended her in his nest.
Daily he flew far and wide in search of the thing that could cure his bride.
Daily he tended each broken bone amazed that he had never known or guessed the extent of her damage.
At last it was her turn to heal, & he had had the honouring of furnishing every meal and providing her shelter.
His call lured her into the skies and each time her wings failed her he broke her fall until they were flying high.
If you look carefully into the skies you will see them to this day flying high.
Both had been left for dead by the ones who had come before now they fly high forever more.
Seek the one who would and could switch from invalid to healer or allow you to heal them in their darkest hour.
Be the fertile ground upon which the most delicate of seeds will flower into the strong and mighty tree rooted firmly in you providing you shade and protection from the storms.
That’s what she told me before breathing her final breath in the shade of a mighty oak.
And so my dear friends I leave you the tale of the lovers that could switch.
28.03.2016

pcb

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Not helping

I find myself looking over the cliff’s edge
Standing looking down makes me feel dizzy
Far below is something but my eyes don’t see
Right now, tears make vision blurry.

I wish I had a solution
Only one thing causes my apathy.
I don’t feel like I am needed
So is this where I should be?

I try to find a corner where I can chip in
The Titans have already come in & saved the day
I seek a lonely face that has a tale to tell
Found, I get told I have better things to do

I came with purpose
Somehow I lost that along the way
I knew that here I’d be needed
And yet, here I’m failing to stay.

I can’t hold this position
I was never where I’d hoped to be anyway
Here I came to help
Yet everything I’m doing is not helping

23/07/2013

It hurts

I see her head hanging, I see the tears roll down her cheek. I wonder if I should open my mouth. I wonder if I should scream and shout.
It hurts to see her so sad & honestly I really feel bad. As my anger boils & bubbles frustration closes my throat & tears well in my eyes.
What happens behind closed doors is really none of my business. But her tears are my weakness. What I see hurts. I see her lip tremble as she tries to smile. He’s hurting her & it kills me to have to see her in pain as she tries to navigate the emotional landmines of her mind.
I feel as if I should shake her & make her see the errors of his ways. She loves him that is plain to see. The question is after they’re behind closed doors who will she believe him or me?
I mean, it’s not like he hits her, at least I hope not. God that would make the situation far worse. I really feel upset & I can tell he knows there’s no way they’re done, yet.
How was she to know that the change she expected would become much worse? We always thought he was off. I never thought to say I mean, since it was never my piece to say. He never came to family functions, he never attended her parties & her friends thought he was arrogant.
(Sigh). We saw him & his attitude & we thought her love was enough.
(laughs) Ah! Guess not. But I can’t stand to see her like this. It hurts. She greets him and he barely nods.
I swallow my resentment. I take a deep breath. I take her hand & say let’s pray, thanking God for his providence that day

I saw it coming

As daylight nears and I reach for him in search of soothe I realize he’s not yet back. I suppose the signs were always there, his delay in offering for my hand in traditional marriage, his reluctance to express his means of income, his desire for me to leave work to care for our child.
My hope was to start a family.
My fear was that my love would not be enough
It started rather well, I thought, not too many hiccups & just enough love.

He started coming home later & later.
I had to start borrowing money for our baby’s diapers.
We went to bed, the maid & I eating peanuts and sipping black tea.
For a very long time I tried to let things be.

Slowly but surely his reactions to questions of his source of income became harsher, sometimes I wasn’t sure he’d be home today or the day after.
I started rationing our food despite his protestation & alarming moods.

The straw that broke the camel’s back, was when he fed left over beef to our dog, leaving the fridge, freezer, pantry empty.
The panic & fear that gripped my heart felt icy cold & lingered for days.

Rent hasn’t been paid, the maid has gone telling our neighbours of how we lived.
I’m potty training our child just in case things get worse.
I’ve been to his sisters & they said they’d set him straight. It has been four months now and I’m yet to feel a change.

There are no jobs that I can take, the work load at home, the baby it’s all I have time for.
I had to cut my hair & lived on the verge of getting dreadlocks, not out of my own desire but hope that he would see that I wasn’t making up stories about needing to get my hair done.

I’m tired, heartbroken & weary.
If it wasn’t for my family’s support, I think I’d be dead, depressed & completely out of sorts.
I’ve been warned that he may try to hit me. I shudder & pray things will improve. The depth of the hurt he’s given me makes me doubt anyone could do worse.
His words are violent, my soul reels from the pain.
Ask me if I love him I’ll tell you yes, again & again.

I’ve resolved that it is over & we are in the beginning of the end.
I’ve made the best of the bad process I hope my child will understand.
08/01/2012

Had Love

I had love once but I let it go.
I knew that I didn’t deserve it
I had love once but I couldn’t nurture his soul
I knew that he’d find out my secret.

I had love once but now he’s free
I couldn’t bear the truth in his eyes
I was scared that he’d discover the real me
I thought he’d realize we weren’t right

I had love once, but I let him go
Talking to him was like a seedling in the sun
He was the one who I let my love for grow
Being with him was better than an exhilarating run

I had love once
But it doesn’t show
I had love once
But I can’t let anyone know

I’m still too scared,
to bear my heart
He gave me a chance to be brave
My soul was scared from the start
When my chance came I couldn’t stay

My heart reaches out to him
My words say that there’s nothing he can give me that I need
My body acts as if he’s made of sin
My mind pretends that his action are centred on greed.

I had love once before
I turned it into something baser
His love was pure but no more
Now he acts as if I’m his time waster

While I can pretend that I’m all good
One thing is certain
I’ve done all I could
To pervert a love true & turn it into a stain
just another mark on his soul of what could’ve been

As I wait for that final moment
when he looks at me & takes that final breath
Before opening his mouth & saying the
words that I’ve come to dread.
I close my eyes & remember that I had love once before
but that’s all gone, it is no more.
21/1/12

If…1

If I died today would you feel it?
Would you know that the being who drives this body will never do so again?
If I died today would you see it? 
Would you see that the mark that this being left is now dusky and gray?
Would you realize that I have gone away?
If I died today would you miss me?
Would you know that I am but am no longer what you grew content to see?
If I died today…the shock would fade and life would continue just as any other day.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda (but didn’t)

I coulda, shoulda been career forward
instead of learning how my soul progresses heavenward.
Shoulda, coulda, woulds gotten a husband, 2 kids, a picket fence
I’m still not sure if my heart would be satisfied with that hence
I say, shoulda, woulda, coulda…

20/10/2012

Whole

I thought I needed you so I could be whole. I thought I needed you so that my stories would not feel untold.

I thought your thoughts would complete mine, that one by one you would see why you should always be mine.

I searched for conversations that could make me whole, that would teach me to reach for my life’s goal.

I thought in you I’d find the answers to eternity.

All my life I waited for you to find the light which would lead me beyond my confines.

All the while I couldn’t see that the moths gathered to the light that is within me.

In you I thought I’d find answer to the question, “Who am I?” And yet, the more I look; I see that in me the answers lurk.

The need to find one with which I can settle my soul with is a hapless pursuit meant to deter me from my eternal bliss.

I thought finding you would complete me whole. It’s my time that you’ve actually stole.

In attempting to cultivate the seed that I planted in you I’ve had to uproot me and lose sense of my bearings. As I await the fruit which may or may not ever come through I realize that I don’t need you to be me but it helps having you because I hate being lonely.

While you may never understand why I act as if I need you to hold my hand I assure you that it is entirely and act.

If I don’t act like I need to have you hold me, you might consider yourself somewhat lonely.

Give me your hand, it’s not a request but a demand, you need to see that I am whole but I seek a companion.

I want but don’t need you. I seek truths greater than you choose to imagine all so that you too can become whole, at one with yourself, truly & well into yourself. See? I’m quite magnanimous for I believe this destiny was meant not just for me but for us.

Make no mistake; I’ll leave you behind if you think without you I have no life.

I thought I needed to grow old with you by my side, our two little boys and our girl tagging along for the ride. I thought you would make me whole until I had you but you weren’t playing your role when I needed it & sought you for your comforting role. In your absence I found, I’ve always been whole I just didn’t like being alone.

I like me as a whole but I’m unhappy when I try to get you to complete me.

None possess what I need to be me except the being I am already. SO as much as I had hoped you’d make me whole, I didn’t need and don’t need you as a second soul. 13/11/2011

Mother’s Sin

No one knows the weight of a mother’s sin.
You couldn’t possibly fathom the pain I’ve had to bear.
Would you ever survive the shame I cannot share.
You can’t possibly know the kind of hell I’ve been in.

Don’t tell me I have no conscience.
My guilt goes beyond my grave.
If only it were that easy, my daughter to save.
My heart, twisted in its shape, by the weight of the wrongness.

No one knows the weight of my sins.
The burden I bear through guilt, fear and depression. All as a result of my lover’s rejection.
You cannot know the pain I bear, my tears would fill containers and bins.

Image courtesy of Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My daughter lost for fear of social rejection.
The pain of seeing her withdraw further and further behind a shell.
All I wanted was that picket fence and big yard perfection.
My daughter through her rebellion creating yet another form of hell.

You couldn’t possibly be able to see what my lover did to her.
You wouldn’t know what his grunts, her cries did to my soul.
In a 3 bed-roomed house one would think that you’d be able to ignore such sounds over running water.
And yet all of it I heard like a silent but potent fart, ripe and foul.

No, no one knows the weight of a mother’s sin.
It was my failure alone to turn that bastard in.
My fear of a lack of consumer goods entitled me to a front row seat.
While the beast of hell feasted on my daughter’s innocent sacred meat.

And now I await with equal fear,
the toll of the bell for my daughter.
It was my foolishness that led us here.
She slit her wrists and lay in a tub of water.

CY87THWGWETE

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